LL Weekly - week 5 - back on track & organising my thoughts

Nicked this off facebook - just
loved it. Simple and uplifting.

Stuck rigidly to programme for last 4 days and have 3 days to WI - will be keeping on plan for those too. I know I am still losing weight and noticed a funny definition in the mirror yesterday after my shower - bone definition where my collarbone meets my shoulder - funny the things we notice!
Today - reflections on my 'lapses' - plus feedback from the LL forum girls - many thanks to them for helping me think!



When!
'Unplanned lapses'

• always work out when they happen... I have had 3 incidents
• alcohol - 'crooked thinking' meant I gave into peer pressure to drink - was in 'rebellious child' thinking - rebelling against my own 'parental' instruction ('do not drink due to strict diet') - I lost control of the alcohol and then didn't care about and wanted to eat. Next time my instruction needs to be 'adult' - (I choose not to drink this evening to keep me on track and in ketosis - drinking will set back my progress and waste my effort and money - it won't move me towards my goal)
• post success at WI - feeling confident and 'deserve a treat' - again 'crooked thinking' - food as treats = weight gain in my past; instant gratification v. delayed gratification
• Sunday afternoons - another time when I would treat myself with food - the first weekend it happened I justified it after exercise but the next weekend I had no 'reason'
• remember to discomfort of post lapse on Monday night - fish and chips!! - fat and carb overload = upset tummy all day on Tuesday - several trips to the loo and really uncomfortable and I was out of ketosis
• these situations will need to considered further during RTM*

Why?
Some forum feedback and my reflections - thanks to Lilian, Lorraine601, Eiboo, Melina1:-

'Cheating = disliking yourself so much that you would want to cheat yourself. I bet you would be horrified if I suggested you cheat a friend. When you feel like lapsing perhaps you need a bit of encouragement from your best friend (you)' This seems to be a belief expressed in a book by Gillian Riley - will find out more about that.

My initial reaction was that I didn't think I 'disliked' myself so went to research self-sabotage and came up with 2 main reasons

1) subconscious fear of success - how will life be when I achieve my goals?
2) simple self discipline

Others on the forum share the 'fear of success' and I think this rings true - I have used my weight to avoid relationships and there's a reason for that I think but needs more thought.

How to use the lapse...
Lapsing or mistakes are part of  'mastery' of this plan - mistakes provide opportunities to learn.

Nice analogy - thanks to Lorraine601 from the LL Forum
'If you come off the motorway at the wrong exit, you don't chastise yourself about it. You 1) get back on the right road and 2) figure out where you went wrong so you don't do it next time :)'.

The key here being not to let the same mistake happen again thereby gaining the balance described below.

Forgiving ourselves seems crucial - beating ourselves up after a lapse would suggest we don't like ourselves - it's too destructive and negative. But the trick is not to allow 'forgiving' ourselves to become regular - that pattern perpetuates your belief that you can only handle certain social events by allowing yourself lapses instead of accepting that total abstinence means exactly what is says. Applying your own rules at best makes the diet part of this plan less effective, and at worst means you'll wind up eventually regaining when you finish management because you didn't equip yourself with all the psychological tools to combat addictive eating. (Ta to Eiboo for that one.) The correct balance lies  between the two extremes of beating ourselves up on the one hand, and having too lenient or forgiving an attitude towards going helter-skelter off plan on the other.

Finally...
Since self sabotage is largely subconscious it can creep up on us... awareness is key! Recognise the situations that may trigger it.

My final note on self-sabotage for today (thanks to Eiboo), Gillian Riley says: 'The truth is that you are much more likely to control your addictive overeating if you are going to get something you really want out of it.'. That ties in to what she says about shifting our focus from appearance (weight loss, dress size) and making our primary focus one of genuinely caring about our health. Genuinely caring about our health necessitates strong self-esteem. Weaker self-esteem can easily masquerade as stronger self-esteem. Weaker self-esteem is indicative of not liking oneself.
 I need to continue this learning both for my weight loss now and for eating differently and healthily in the future.

ODAAT
TFR xx

*RTM = 'Return to Management' - the LL course once target weight is reached to reintroduce food and support controlled and healthy eating and eating behaviours

p.s. 'planned lapses' are sometimes discussed and I have done this once but note -

• they defeat the objective of 'abstinence' - a key aspect to this programme in terms of breaking addiction
• defeats learning to cope in situations without food

LL Weekly - Week 4; 1 Month/28 days behind me.

So. Where to start?

The Good Stuff

• Okay weigh in tonight all things considered (see The Bad Stuff below)
• 2 off = 15 total off in 4 weeks
• = 3.75 lbs per week on average        
• = 1/2 lb per day on average
• expected weight loss done and Month 1 goal achieved (to lose 1 stone)

The Not So Good Stuff

• not established regular training (C25K) but have done something each week - run/walk or bike
• 'planned lapse' in Week 3 for awards dinner - all good and still lost 5lbs that week

The Bad Stuff

• at end Week 3 (Sunday before yesterday) I remembered some M&S breaded cod fillets in the freezer; I had done a run on empty stomach; got waylaid marshalling at an event and didn't eat porridge til 2pm - crooked thinking won (I need protein, I feel weak, I need a treat) and led to me eating the 2 fillets - all in all I still had under 1,000 cals that day and protein/carb balance seemed okay
• then end Week 4 and 'disaster weekend' - Friday went out, drank alcohol (despite plan not to) and ate the worst/best 2am take out - DK and chips eek - and 2 x diet cokes (but had an awesome night!)
• then on Sunday the 'fish' treat entered my head - I went to M&S - bought pack of 2 'lightly dusted' haddock fillets (slightly fewer cals and carbs than last week's fish!!) plus green veg accompaniment - ate both fillets and all veg - strictly a meal for 2...
• then tonight (weigh in) - and home via the chippy! WHAT IS GOING ON???? All I could think about in the meeting tonight was whether or not I wanted chippy tea and then would have F&C or something else.
• So now it's done - I feel too full and a bit disappointed; not really guilty though - shouldn't I????

And so back to The Good Stuff

• I have planned my packs for the next 3 days and will not have any bars (slightly more cals/carbs than soups & shakes)
• Have confessed all on here - feel better for dumping all this out. I have told no one about all the errors above but some people know some bits of it...
• I am looking forward to a good loss next week
• I I will refocus this week - re read my book
• I had these intentions a week ago and didn't succeed - need to reflect on that... but not just now...

I am on it.
ODAAT
TFR x

ADDENDUM - I suffered really badly after the fish and chips - too much fat and too many carbs in one big greedy hit - upset and painful tummy all day. Not to be repeated.

LL Weekly - Week 3. Done.

Hello - blogging getting sporadic already! Need to remember it is a great mental distraction for me and I hope helpful for some people out there.

So 3 weeks done as of tonight>>>>>>

13lbs lost; 7% body weight lost; 32% of my weightloss goal met.

Weeks 1 & 2 I followed the plan to the letter. Week 3 - faced some challenges...

Challenge 1

Business Breakfast to see the Olympic Torch on its way from our city. Breakfast goodies everwhere - really tempted and made a decision to have half a bacon sandwich. BUT detoured; made a peppermint tea then got chatting - bacon buttie averted.

Challenge 2

Awards dinner - decided to 'eat' to avoid looking rude or ungrateful. Had 3 FPs that day then at dinner ate small piece of bread; nibble of ham terrine (too salty so left the rest); 3/4 chicken breast (no skin) and veg (except mash); dessert was creme brulee and I had a few teaspoons before leaving. Plus 1/2 glass of fizz and 1 glass white wine. Was in control and back to the plan the day after.

Challenge 3

Sunday - last minute got involved with marshalling at a running event and then ran/walked 5km myself. Got home at 2.30am having not eaten all day and quite dehydrated. Ate porridge and drank water then had bath. Felt really ill after. Dizzy, nauseous - drank more water, laid down. Then remembered 2 cod fillets in breadcrumbs in the freezer. Felt I needed proper food. 'Nurturing Parent' kicked in with messages like 'it's good protein - you need it; your muscles worked hard today; it'll make you feel better'. So I ate them both - slowly with S&P and really enjoyed and savoured them. Only ate 2 other packs and calculated I ate about 1,000 cals in total for the day with similar C/P/F %'s as on the plan. On reflection this was not controlled; I didn't address the thinking in 'Adult' state - i.e. it won't add to your weight loss success.

So tonight I went to group and didn't tell anyone about this 2nd lapse. My weight loss was good and here I am at the start of Week 4. So slip up is behind me - part of mastery is mistakes! They say 'lapse; relapse; collapse' - am aware of that and will be mindful his week (inc. another dinner event on wednesday - will do same as last week). No guilt today and here's to another good week...

ODAAT

TFRx

LL Daily - Day 15 - challenges!

2nd weigh in last night - 5.5lbs off = 8lbs off in total so far. Pleased & proud.

Spent last weekend at friends surrounding by food & booze opportunities and I resisted them all. Didn't really even feel tempted.

Today I was at a Business Breakfast event and was there from 6.30am - had had shake before leaving the house. At 8am ish the brekkie was huge selection of croissants, danish and bacon sandwiches. Battled in my head re bacon sandwich... and decided half would be ok. But in the end I got a peppermint tea and got chatting and didn't have the little buttie.



strength & control

Why did I want it?

- habit

- comforting and great taste

- others having one
- smelt good

But I didn't need it and the reasons I wanted it were not good enough at the moment!

Glad I resisted. I regained control.

Tomorrow night - another challenge - I am attending an awards dinner. Challenges>>>
1) the event is in a venue within the company I work for and until April I managed this venue
2) historically I have always taken an interest in the menu/wine and the catering team usually seek my feedback
3) I would feel 'rude' and even ungrateful for not eating

So my plan
1) have porridge and bar during the day
2) at dinner - drink sparkling water from the wine glass (will drive also)
3) eat some of the 'protein' element - starter & main - move 'carbs' around
4) say 'no thanks' to dessert
 
This is like a 'LL Light' Day I think. I have made this decision and will return to LLT plan on Weds. Will report back on Wednesday to ensure I am back on track. The LL forum are suggesting that any 'lapse' could challenge my success on the programme so I need to be really careful.
I believe I am strong enough to do as I have planned.

ODAAT
TFR x

LL Daily - Days 7&8&9

Hello and sorry for delay. Am still on track and following the programme. Well done to me. Amazed I have done it. I DO have willpower! Although I am not actually feeling hunger (due to ketosis - but I hadn't quite believed the hype!); I am not feeling deprived. So will keep on keeping on - One Day At A Time - ODAAT...

Monday - 1st weigh in - bit disappointed - 2.5 lbs off - was expecting about 7lbs. Most people have a 'big' loss in 1st week (although most of that due to water loss - since glycogen in the body is stored with 4x its weight in water and all the glycogen gets used to before ketosis kicks in). So let's see what happens next weigh in...

Tuesday - no worries - stuck to the plan and not feeling worried about weight loss speed but am monitoring weight morning and evening - so maybe I am worried about it!! By the way - no headaches this week. Keep thinking about the cleansing properties of this programme as well as the weight loss aspect. Thinking about my eating habits previously my body must be in shock right now!

Wednesday - food packs planned - I do this the night before and settling into simple routines.

Knitting - it continues! & a friend suggested I oversew the lbs pounds lost each week into the part of the knitting I am on at that time. I am a new knitter and all I am doing is knitting a small throw made of 3 long 10" strips so oversewing the numbers will work well I think. A motivator to look at every day when knitting and a trophy to remind me of the journey when complete. Will get a photo up in the next couple of weeks.

ODAAT
TFR x

LL Daily - Day 6 - 'Lightbulb Moment' & Dad x

So yesterday I did errands and walked 4 miles before breakfast - a shake at 11ish. Ate two thirds of a bar at 3.30ish (peanut) - just didn't fancy the rest. It was okay so not about the taste. It's now 7.30pm ish and have just made a soup. But not feeling hunger and wasn't bothered about having it. But the programme says 4 packs a day so that's the deal and I have a shake to take later. Lightbulb moment >>> ketosis means I am not feeling hunger and so (today at least) I feel as though I am not 'bothered' about eating at all; not looking forward to it, not anticipating it. The programme takes all the joy out of food. It has become purely functional. Food truly was my instant pleasure (with long term negatives unfortunately.)



The Sun Has Got His Hat On - my Dad
would sing this on a sunny morning!



So need to ensure my daily joy is catered for whilst on programme.

And need to ensure when I return to food the way I focus on it changes. I think I am going to appreciate flavours so much more while thinking about the nutritional content.

Just realised it is Father's Day - so thinking about my Dad who passed away 10 years ago. I think I have lots of unresolved issues regarding my dad that link to my mild depression and overeating. He was an alcoholic, he never got well and his horrid addiction impacted on us all growing up. & I think maybe it does today still. Hope some of this will unravel during my therapy work on LLT as I understand my own food addiction and thinking. So thinking of my Dad today - he loved the sun.

TFR x

LL Daily - Day 5 - Feeling good...

Well this week is proving a challenge mentally and physically but today I feel okay! Maybe even better than okay..

1. I have no headache (phew)

2. I AM IN KETOSIS - hadn't realised but pee'd on a stick and it says I am (saw my LLC* this morning)

3. I walked to my appointment then did other errands - covered 4 miles

4. Bought wool and knitting needles! Guess I'm gonna be knitting something!

5. Am in bed - again - feel tired after walking; achey back and feel snoozy (plus was awake at 5am??!!). So going to snooze. Because I can. Have found I want to cocoon myself under the duvet a lot at the moment and then imagined all the lighterlifers in cocoons from food - eventually to emerge as glorious butterflies!

TFR x

*LLC - lighterlife Counsellor

LL Daily - Day 4... Miserable

A list - no energy for the inbetween bits - sorry

• Lethargic - now
• Dizzy - started 1pm ish
• Sore throat - noticed 2pm ish
• Headache - started noonish
• Lower back aches - noticed 2pm ish
• Cried - 2pm ish - in car
• Feel sorry for myself - earlier and now
• Felt tempted by smell of food at lunch time - thought of positive words >>>> 'delayed gratification'.Going for 'instant gratification' has made me overweight and was damaging my health
• Ate my 1st bar - (cran/rasp - nice) - 1pm ish
• Am hydrated - done best part of 3litres already and pee is pale
• Not thinking ketosis is happening yet

  

  Love my chillow...

  
• Are symptoms above 'withdrawal', 'detox' or a bug
• Taken paracetamol and am in bed with my 'chillow' on my head
• Oh yeah and it's really raining - joy

May be back later
TFR - if anyone has!
x

LL Daily - Day 3 - Don't Come Dine With Me!

Hello! Day 3 and 2 FPs left for the day. Just switched telly on while surfing - Come Dine With Me was on. It has been a guilty viewing pleasure in the past but have just had to switch it off. Am also noticing how many adverts are for food. Scary. All these subliminal and direct messages - no wonder we get tempted. Self control is so critical when it comes to food. Feel like this programme is totally going to teach me that. Caught the end of a pre-conference lunch today - was hoping to avoid entirely - was offered beautiful canapes several times plus a half time ice cream! Resisted all. Strangely didn't feel deprived or like I was missing out. I was concerned that I may have hurt the catering team's feelings however. But nothing was said.

Feel tired and on way home, my mind wandered to what I would usually have done - e.g. popping into M&S for something nice - don't want to think about what that may have been. Just want to note that I pushed the thought away - got home - had a glass of water, did a few little jobs, got on here with a peppermint tea and will making my soup at 6pm.

Not sure I am in ketosis yet. Could be today or tomorrow or maybe even into the weekend. Anticipating how I will feel so off to read up and remind myself.

Also no hungers pangs as yet... & no headaches today. Yay.

TRF x

Feeling brighter & WHY!!

2 days on programme successfully done. Well done me! Feel better than last night also - only a very slight headache and helped by paracetamol. Less emotional also. Not feeling hungry and looking forward to good sleep.

Keep thinking about why I am doing this - so here's my list in one place for me to refer back to - health, personal and fitness reasons...

• lower BP - doc recommendation
• reduce migraines
• heal depression (mild)
• feel better
• reduce risk heart disease/stroke
• reduce diabetes risk - doc recommendation
• reduce abdominal fat &
• reduce waist measurement
• get slimmer
• reduce dress size
• increase confidence
• be comfortable in clothes
• enjoy clothes
• fit into scuba gear &
• be fit for diving
• feel happy on hols this year - Majorca in Aug & Miami in Nov
• get back to running
• train for July 5k and September 10k
• wear my blue 'mermaid' dress again - size 12

And why via LLT?

• break food addictions via abstinence
• break comfort eating >>> realising now that this is more accurately 'discomfort eating'
• break binge-ing habit
• re-educate stomach
• optimise the therapy sessions and homework to make a difference for my future
• learn how to eat mindfully in the future
• sort term 'pain' >>> long term gain

TFRx

LL Daily - Day 2 - Ouch.

Wow. Morning! What a 24 hours. Have had headache since 4pm last night - seemed to ease before bedtime but then BANG woke at 5.32am with RAGING HEADACHE. Big heavy throbbing band across top of forehead. Drank water, peppermint tea and took 2 x aspirin and 2 x paracetamol and went back to sleep eventually with cool pack on my head also. Woke 1/2 an hour ago. Somewhat better but headache still there.


Have just had porridge FP and thankfully was okay. Sweet - which I needed. Ate it slowly after considering drinking it! Felt warm and soothing.


I will learn to appreciate the feeling of hunger - once the headache has gone.


I dreamt about it all last night! Was telling my friend about my first day's FPs (detail in yesterday's post) - & then I was shoppping for t shirts and looking forward to finding funky designer t's in sizes I could wear. Also found myself wondering if I can do skinny jeans and heels?? I am an apple shape and my legs are 'slim' even now. My excess fat is mainly abdominal. Will may frame still look too wide once I have lost weight? Surprised I am even thinking about this. I always say I don't care about that 'girly' clothes chat - was that because I felt fat??

BIG realisation in first 24hours - is that I don't have enough in my daily life that gives me enjoyment. & of course that's why I eat. Obvious. But when you take that actual 'pleasure' away the clarity of that hit me hard last night.


I have to rekindle friendships - I need to clear the depression that has let me isolate myself. More to come on this topic I think. Also thinking I need regular after work social contact. Exercise, volunteering - lots I can do.I have been in a well established rut of coming home - cooking, eating, eating again, watching TV in carb coma.

Unhealthy and ultimately unfulfilling so time to CHANGE. Feel like there's so much to address and I can't do it all at once! Still only 24 hours in - will chat this over with my Counsellor on Saturday.

More later I am sure - these ramblings are proving cathartic and a great diversion.

TFR x

Underwhelmed. & sad.

So the vim and vigour of this morning may have gone. For now.

Today I have had Summer Berries shake (lovely); veg soup (okay); pasta carbonara (truly awful - more later) and have a Banana shake for later.

Headache since 4pm ish... am well hydrated with pale pee (too much info?!) so it must be 'carb withdrawal'. Surprise surprise - 'bread girl' is in detox one day in!

Feelings - rollercoaster day. Excited to sad. My pasta for dinner was not good. Smelt and looked unattractive as well as being a tiny portion. Felt sad to be eating it with a glass of water. Tasted terrible - stong taste and savoury but not sure what it was. Pasta was part rubbery part crunchy. Not my usual experience of pasta carbonara which would have been joined by a glass of red and some parmigiano. But don't want to dwell on 'how it used to be'. Lack of control with that has lead to me being obese, BMI 31 with 40lbs to lose.

I wasn't looking forward to eating - and that's something I realise is huge for me. I look forward to EVERY meal or opportunity to eat. Butter on toast; milky sweet tea; fave sandwich & crisps; pasta/M&S meal and wine. Planning what to eat at next meal; next day; next dinner out = enjoyment as does the eating. This is not controlled eating. I can change this.

I didn't enjoy the eating experience - tonight's eating experience was awful. Pleasure-less and only ate it since I had no option. Avoided chewing it. Felt like this was punishment for years for food abuse.

BUT some +ives!

• warm food
• stomach felt better
• headache may be easing a little
• I have a sweet shake left!

Right now I cannot imagine doing this for weeks/months. So hopefully the motivation from a quick result over the next couple of weeks will be enough to kick my ass. Only good can come of this...

• better health - reduce BP - and disease risk (heart, stroke, diabetes)
• feel better in mind and body - slimmer, confident

Was close to tears 30 mins ago but venting here has helped.
TFR x

p.s. also thinking how good it will feel to go to bed having achieved my goal for the day!

p.p.s. fab 80's track for the moment - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OO9LloDSJo

p.p.p.s fab 90's track for the moment http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl-ai9HuR60

LL Daily >>> Day 1 - Yee ha!!

1. DAY ONE - feeling excited, apprehensive, positive. Can I do this? YES I CAN!

 

BEST choices from here on in...

2. Made dodgy 2 choices* before 8am – to have cup of tea ½ sugar and a little milk – couldn't face wasting all the milk! Then a detox tea with tiny dab honey. Think the detox tea isn't 'ok' due to lemon flower so they'll go – plus honey and milk then binned. Cleared out lots of other stuff over weekend and last night. Empty looking fridge!

3. Was concerned that the 2 drink choices weren't great and debated them but 'rebellious child'** may have reared her head?? Yet to learn more about that! Anyway – I make the choices. & I chose these last 2 before throwing out the honey and milk. So seeing the 'throwing out' as a 'ritualistic food tie severing' to start the morning... a positive thing!

4. FP's*** planned for day – shake, shake, soup, chilli. Soup (minestrone) and cup ready for work; shaker and shake ready (wondering if chilled water best?) - taking vanilla so could have warm with coffee??? Berries shake for breakfast and chilli for tea. Will eat every 3 or 4 hours starting from breakfast time. Also 1 litre water bottle ready to be filled with LL juice.

5. Goal of the day - to do the progamme. Simple. Imagine how proud I will feel this evening.

TFRx

* On LLT only black tea or herbal teas from leaf only are allowed - this is to promote ketosis which is affected by intake of carbs and citric acid (in fruit/flower teas)

** Reference to an ego state used in 'Transactional Analysis' and something I will learn about in bid to change eating behaviour.

***FP's = lighterlife foodpacks

Jubilee Jubilations!



View from train - & r-e-l-a-x



Well - what a lovely weekend. 4 days long - hurrah for the extra bank holiday! Went to the south coast to visit friends in Devon. Had a lovely train journey through our green and pleasant land with days spent walking, chatting, laughing, drinking and eating. Saw Dartmouth, Teignmouth and Exeter. & lots of Jubilee Scarecrows... a v. Devon thing I think... UK weather was typically British on a bank hol. Rain mostly - especially in London for huge flotilla on Sunday but in our Devonian spot all was dry - bit chilly, slight slight occasional drizzle but no downpours. Lucky! Seems rest of UK got drenched...

Made me realise how significant food is. Social times revolve around it. Breakfast; mid morn coffee (pain au chocolat or not??); lunch - wine; sun - shandy & beers; dinner - wine plus nibbles beforehand. I am planning on avoiding these situations during LL period. How do you spend a weekend away shaking shakes and nibbling bars???

Anyway - home & feeling rested after lots of sea air and walking. Ready for work and counting down the days to my LL start. 11th June.

Nice wee Swedish proverb below...

'Fear less, hope more;

Eat less, chew more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;
Love more,
and all good things will be yours'


TFR x